I've been spending nearly a year for my final year project, staying back at the laboratory from day to night, skipping holidays to work on the project. Yes, nearly a year! This is how my final year for undergraduate studies goes.
Finally the day has came - the VIVA presentation for the project. I've worked on this project to the extent that it was an inseparable part of my life. I hate theories but the hand-on practices grabbed me the invaluable experience and knowledge. I valued it so much and wanted to give the best shot for the presentation. Despite that I'm a last-minute-practitioner, to my surprise, I prepared the presentation slides wholeheartedly earlier on.
I laid back comfortably during that day. The memories of the hardship played gracefully in my head. There was nothing else but gratitude in the deeper inner me. Later, I emailed my supervisor my slides. Alright alright, I failed to defense the devil soul of slackness in me eventually and I did not do any preparation for the presenting part. It was a last-minute work again though.
I was told for the rescheduling of my presentation on the day before. I wasn't panicked. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't scared. I had the faith on myself that I knew my project the best and I could do it even without a proper preparation (so much confidence huh?). My slides were ready and so was my mood. I was glad that I spent the last three-hours preparation with a course-mate. She patiently listened to my presentation and gave me supportive suggestions, and I was warmed up to do better. I did my final correction on the slides and had a good sleep.
My presentation was at 3pm. On the day, I went to the presentation room before noon. I watched how the examiners and the other lecturers 'boomed' the presenters with tons of questions. It was no surprise. The Q&A section went along with what I expected. Honestly the questions were quite easy to be tackled. I gained my confidence.
I checked into another presentation room after receiving a text message from my supervisor. I was told to notify him again before my turn for presentation. Hmm, probably this was because the presentations have been delayed and he did not want to spend his time waiting. I was at the right moment to enter the other presentation room as he was there as the examiner. The questions he asked were very match to his style - thorough and critical, but he would definitely help the student if the questions couldn't be answered. Yes, his style. I've been asked in this way from time to time. He wants the answers in less than few seconds. You are not given time to think all over. You have to be fast and responsive. I was slow. I was panicked to look into his eyes. It was SCARY. I felt like I would be eaten up if I did not able to answer. He asked a lot of questions every time I met him! I COULD NOT ANSWER ANY.
He would tell you the answers if you could not. This, instead, challenged me. I got rid of my idleness and did some readings. Guess what? With some essential knowledge in your head, you would be equipped with confidence. I'm not scared of not able to answering anymore. I could talk to him in the same way as how I talk to my co-supervisor, who is a truly joker. The loneliness on working for the project has been slowly replenished.
And here I go. I texted him before my presentation. No reply. I sent another message telling him that I was about to start. No reply. The uncertainty triggered my nerves. The coordinator called my name. I hardly stepped on the presentation spot. He wasn't here yet. My examiner asked me if my supervisor was coming. I answered without a second thought, YES, he is on his way. She smiled, sarcastically. I started my presentation. The presentation was delivered smoothly according to the flow I set earlier on. I had no idea of what I was doing. I couldn't keep my eyes off from the glass door. A few people passed by and I truly hoped one of them was him.
"That's all for my presentation, thank you."
He did not show up.
"You went really fast." My examiner said. Yes, I knew. I skipped some important explanations for some points I highlighted. I believed that other than my examiner, who has my dissertation copy on her table, all the other lecturers had no idea of what I did. I regretted. During the delivery of the presentation, I couldn't focus and I just wanted it to be ended as fast as possible.
The Q&A section lasted for about 30 minutes. My examiner did not asked any question but the other lecturers did. The first few questions were in my expectation and I think I answered them well. It took me some time to give explanations. I tried to confuse one of the lecturer. This was totally WRONG! He noticed my intention and started to 'attack'. He was smart. I think I challenged them. I felt so much offense and I started to become defensive. I got mad. Apart from my examiner, I did not want to entertain them. This was even WORSE. Once I became defensive, they asked more questions. I explained from basics to detailed. Then, I started to become ignorant. I felt tired. I felt reluctant. I did not want to answer those questions anymore. They were meaningless! I couldn't remember what I was asked and what I answered during the session afterwards. At last, I forcefully made an end for the nerve-wracking session. I told them those things are written in my dissertations. My examiner, kind enough, helped me for the proof. One of the lecturers still did not give up and kept asking. I did not listen to the question. Ignorantly, I said these haven't been studied yet. And they denied. It was killing me. Finally, he let me go and I returned back to my seat.
The next presenter started her session. I listened. I couldn't focus but overwhelmed with sense of disappointment. I felt some warmness on my cheeks. I was not going to be emotional but.. Shit~ It couldn't be helped. The scenes of I standing alone to present, of I having no support while being questioned, and of I having no one to be laid on when I needed, uncontrollably reflected how foolish I was. I was left alone. HE JUST DISAPPEARED.
Nobody would have an idea of how I feel that time. I couldn't find anyone to understand me, neither I, myself. Treating someone wholeheartedly and never expect the same goes back to you, maybe?
My presentation, a broken memory for unknown reason.
Oh ya, not to forget the happy part of the day. I wore my baju kurung for the first time. It was the only clothes my dad chose for me few years back. Thanks to that, I felt cheered up with the blessings. =)
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| The first slide of presentation |
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| With another poor course-mate delivering presentation |
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Colour match with Vianne. So lovely =)
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A favorite lecturer of mine :)
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Other friends. They still can recognize me =P
It's about the time to wave this chapter of life a warm goodbye. To whom who I cherish, I'm always glad that you appeared in this chapter of my life. |
